My heart pounds out of my chest and I feel the thrumming in my veins gets faster as I weigh my options, stand up or stay seated, stand up or stay seated...but what if I'm the only one who stands? I don't want to be a distraction.
"But you have to stand," whispers a voice and I can't tell if it's in my heart or my head or in both places at once.
My body temperature rises and I'm sure that if the man in front of me turned around he would surely see beads of sweat on my brow if he were to take a closer look and I breathe a sigh of relief that I actually remembered to wear deodorant this morning. But I just don't want people to think that I am trying to get attention, God. I don't want to detract from You.
The voice reminds me again, it's tone intimating a relationship that knows my questions and my motives and still envelops me in his arms "Who are you worshiping, dear? It's just you and Me. Forget about them."
My pulse levels out as I stand, arms lifted, eyes closed, "Just me and you, Dad. Just me and You."
Corporate worship is such a beautiful privilege; one that I take for granted all too often. To stand and raise my voice, to sing words of love and adoration, praise and glory to the One who showers grace and not be condemned for it is beyond what my synapses can comprehend. That being said, I've often sat with my rear glued to the pew, mouthing the rote lyrics, barely letting their meaning process in my brain. I've sat when I should have stood up. My arms have remained limp when they should have been lifted. But no more.
God's teaching me about worship and about Him and how even during corporate worship it is still all about He and I. My motives are not up for discussion or debate as long as they are right between Him and I. So what if someone questions why I am standing when the rest of the congregation sits. If he says "Stand" I must stand and if He says "Stay seated" then my rear had better be in that pew, but to be in the place of Him saying stand and me saying "No..."
It's a place I've been too often and I say no more.